My life is very different in so many ways than it was 4 years ago. And, while it was a long and oft times difficult path to get from ‘there’ to ‘here’, it has been well worth it. I am a different person.

A different person, but in oh, so many ways, so much the same. I am someone who holds onto an item because of the memories attached. I carry ticket stubs in my wallet. There are so many boxes in our garage filled with items from my grandparents’ house because they are a connection to my childhood and in a way, them. (My favorite item in those boxes being a chandelier that hung in their living room because standing next to it made me feel as though I was special and fancy).

Then, there is my closet. I am by no means a fashionista or even a clothes horse. I usually buy clothing out of necessity. But, there are so many more clothes hanging there than I wear and more than I can count don’t fit anymore. So, why hold on to them? Good question. I’ve tried so many times to downsize my closet…I stand there and do the whole ‘…it’s gone if I haven’t worn it in over a year’ which becomes ‘…two years’ which becomes ‘…but I wore it when…’ and it ends up staying.

No worries…I’m not going all Marie Kondo on you guys…but this time something was different. As I took the items off of their hangars and set them aside, it was all good. I kind of had a moment with each item (weird, I know). The items are now in a bag, waiting to be taken to Goodwill.

I’m discovering that you can move on in life, but sometimes when you look behind you, there’s an albatross. The debris of who you were, the remnants of that wall you worked so hard to break free from. I worked hard to move beyond the debris of that wall, out into the world. What I discovered in looking at what was going into those bags though was that everything that I had been holding onto was ‘good’. It was all connected to good memories.

Here’s the thing though. The whole of who I am is not only summed up in the ‘good’. My past is filled with good days and bad days. Beautiful moments and ugly ones. Smiles, tears, joy, and heartbreak. And while it’s tempting to hold onto only the highlight reel, there is most definitely a blooper reel.

I had to ask myself though, why I had held onto the things that I had. Some of it has been out of a feeling of obligation…that I am the ‘history keeper’ of the family. As I mentioned earlier, a lot of those boxes in the garage are filled with items from my grandparents home. The clothing? Some of it had been held onto because of how I felt when I wore it or where/when I had worn it. I realized though as I was filling those bags that those items don’t define me.

So, what does define me? My actions and beliefs define me. How I choose to present myself both physically and energetically defines me. How I interact with people and with life defines me. What I am NOT defined by is a bunch of stuff filling my closet and dresser drawers. Because, at the end of the day, it’s just stuff.

The emotions though…how to let go of those? I’m not sure if we ever completely do let go of those. No, that’s not true. I think we can let go of the emotions, but I think we don’t forget how something made us feel. I think that maybe the emotional experience marks us, like a scar, giving us character. All of the joy and heartache has shaped me into who I currently am. While it’s tempting to feel that something wasn’t worth it, I truly believe if you learned from it, it wasn’t a mistake.

So, I will let my stuff go. The lessons learned, I will hold onto and thank those that helped me learn them.

❤️