2022 was a challenging year in a lot of ways for me. It began with some uncertainty and in the early Spring, a depression like I had never experienced took hold. Time, patience, counseling, meds, and acceptance…the darkness lifted and the light came back.

My counselor asked me what ‘being better’ would look like to me. At first, I thought of what it would feel like when the depression and anxiety were gone. In that moment, I realized they never fully would be, they will always be there, just like the fact that I am, by nature, an early riser…a part of who I am.

I still haven’t figured out how I feel about that.

I have never been one to select a ‘word for the year’, but as I was driving to work this morning, ‘Joy’ sprang up. I really have no idea where it came from or why.

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

The definition that most closely defines the feeling that I had when the word occurred to me is ‘…choosing to respond to external circumstances with inner contentment and satisfaction’.

So, for me, joy is the feeling of being true to myself. That others actions, behaviors, and reactions aren’t necessarily about me. That I will do my best to not be affected by those actions, behaviors, and reactions. To know who and what I am at my core and remain true to that.

And just what is that at my core? That people are inherently good, that good comes from good, that kindness matters.

But…the anxiety and the depression. They are part of that core too. I’ve questioned where the depression, especially, came from. Was it the by-product of, well, life? Had stuffing my feelings down for decades manifested itself in a new way? And how do they fit within the definition of me and my word, Joy?

I guess it’s not feeling shame about them. To embrace them as a part of me and working through those dark, low periods with kindness to myself. And being content and satisfied that I am experiencing exactly what I am meant to be in that moment.