This past year, I have made the comment ‘My doctor yelled at me’ a lot. And to be honest, it’s true. In February, after having bloodwork done, my doctor called and said, ‘Marci, we need to talk’. I then got a lecture about my cholesterol and how I had less than 3 months to make significant changes that he could see or he would put me on medicine. Medicine which I wanted more than anything to avoid. I listened, spoke up, got chastised, and in the end promised to have blood drawn again within 3 months to see where things stood and determine if medicine was in my future.

In September, I had appointments with both the dentist and the dermatologist. Yep, got ‘yelled at’ again. The dental hygienist told me that rinse, brush, rinse, floss, waterpik should be my new routine every. single. day. The dermatologist? You can probably guess, sunscreen on the daily and to wear a hat when I go hiking…

To be honest, I did not take any of this news very well. I liked my occasional (okay, maybe more than occasional) quart of ice cream for dinner. I love the feeling of the sun on my face.

Here’s the thing. I listened this time. (I may or may not have been told the same things before) So, I made the changes and I feel so much better. But I still kept saying that I got ‘yelled at’ which denotes that I was in trouble. In a way, I suppose I was…if I didn’t make the dietary changes suggested by my doctor, I was putting myself in line for the cardiac issues that run in my family along with a whole other host of ills. If I chose to continue only brushing once a day and flossing once in a blue moon…my gums were going to continue to bleed and I would end up with gum disease. As far as not heeding the dermatological advice? The sun damage that I already have would be exacerbated and added to. So, who was I really in trouble with? Who kept putting off making the changes that needed making? Who truly knew what she should have been doing all along? Oh, I was looking at her in the mirror.

But why did I keep saying that I got ‘yelled at’? I’m a grown ass woman and if I wanted to keep eating like garbage and not taking care of myself in general, then that is my prerogative. But, I guess that entering my mid-50’s has been a bit of a wakeup call. Maybe it’s the hiking that brought this analogy to mind…I feel like I’m standing on the top of a mountain, looking around. I see the how the actions/thoughts/behaviors of my youth have determined where I am today. I think about my parents and grandparents and how they took care (or didn’t take care) of themselves and how that played out in their lives. I think about the health that they were (or weren’t) in when they died. And while I can’t change the past, I can adjust my actions for my future.

So, I was in need of a course correction. My first step was to change how I referred to the action that set the rest of the changes in motion. And that was to take ownership of making the decision to change. So now I refer to the changes that I have made after the stern conversation with my doctor as deciding to make a course correction. I changed my eating habits. The truth of the matter is that none of us get out of this thing called life alive, but we can adjust our sails. Life is full of sucky, awful things…illness, bad decisions, job loss, tragedy, but it’s how we respond to those things that determine their effect on us. We can wallow in the suck or we can acknowledge it and move forward.

And the changes that I have been talking about up until now were the easy ones to make. It’s the ones in our hearts and minds that are the difficult ones. It’s deciding to hush that little voice inside of us that whispers that we don’t deserve it.

That little voice that tells you that you can’t make the changes. That tells you that you aren’t disciplined enough, deserving enough, good enough, smart enough, pretty enough…basically that you aren’t enough. That you don’t deserve the happiness, joy, love, beauty that is found in life. My little voice used to run rampant, SHE was the one in charge. Those of you that have been reading my stuff for a while, you know that I named my little voice. I gave her an identity. Once I did that, I was able to start the work of containing her. She now lives in a cage in the corner of my mind…yes, she occasionally rattles her cage and every once in a blue moon escapes and wreaks her havoc.

Containing her was not an easy process. It required a bit of brain rewire (okay, maybe more than ‘a bit’). It required a different discussion with myself when I looked in the mirror. It meant that the comments that I had heard in my growing up and early adulthood weren’t true. While the comments perhaps were meant to provide motivation, they hadn’t. The comments latched onto insecurities that only fueled the belief that I wasn’t ‘ ‘ (fill in the blank).

But, the course correction of containing her was worth every single moment of the work to contain her. Because I now know that I AM deserving…deserving of the messy, confounding, joyful, feeling of being ALIVE that is the beauty of life.

My initial reaction to making this change was to eradicate everything that had come before. Wipe the slate clean. Which was what I tried initially. I realized rather quickly that what was really was required was to look inward and decide what parts of me were beneficial and which were not. There are parts of me that are, and always have been, amazing. Traits that energize me and feed my soul. Welcoming them back felt right and I could feel the light within me growing stronger.

Please don’t misunderstand, I didn’t do this work alone. The people I love, and those who love me, were alongside me on this journey. They have my unending love and appreciation for their support during one of the darkest and most difficult times of my life.

Course corrections are hard work. It’s throwing off the comfortable blanket of old habits and creating new ones. It can be scary and oftentimes, daunting work. The work never seems to be done. Changing the internal dialogue of my mind and discovering my authentic self is an ongoing process. At times it seems that it would be so much easier to believe the negative and be sucked into the dark than to believe the good and live in the light. When I become discouraged, I remember what I was told on more than one occasion…don’t look at how much more work you have, take a glance back and see just how far you have come.

I’m sitting here, trying to figure out how to wrap this up…and I’m just not sure how. The work of these course corrections continue…the external ones and the internal ones. So, I will just say this…I look forward to and will embrace the journey.