I used to live on a very even keel. Smooth sailing. Even tempered as much as possible. I learned and knew my triggers (and everyone else’s) and did my best to avoid them or throw myself on the grenade to absorb as much fallout as possible. Because, my reaction, I could control. Looking back, it’s part of what built my walls. And I had been doing this from the time I was young, I mean really young, like 8.

One thing (or so I’ve come to learn) about those walls I was hidden behind was that the feelings never really got in. Anything negative, I’d swallow down. Looking back, I see that doing that only caused the walls to grow higher and thicker. Disappointment, sadness, anger, fear…while there might be a fleeting moment of feeling, the truth of the matter is that those feelings just got buried.

Happiness and joy were a bit different. I didn’t necessarily need protection from those. The walls, however, dulled me from experiencing those emotions fully.

In order to be free from the walls, I had to learn to recognize and name what I was feeling. Then, I had to learn how to allow myself to feel it without consuming me. The next step was to learn how to verbalize and talk about it without attacking anyone else. It was an ugly learning process.

Once I (sort of) got the hang of it, it was great. To feel what I was feeling and be able to have a conversation about it? Awesome sauce! To be heard when I was frustrated or sad or hurt? Validation! To realize that my feelings, positive and negative, are valid is powerful knowledge.

Let me tell you though, learning this is an ongoing process. It’s hard. Sometimes it sucks and it can be scary. Am I irritated because I’m just in a cranky mood or does whatever is going on remind me of something else? Feeling something, recognizing the feeling, giving it a name, realizing where it came from, accepting the feeling, verbalizing what is going on…it can be tiring, exhausting actually.

Sometimes, swallowing that damned thing down and ignoring it looks really inviting.

Then, of course, there’s my job. That’s when all of the time spent behind those walls actually comes in handy. (They should ask that on the application ‘Can you tamp down what you’re feeling, keep a smile on your face, and get things done?’ ‘Yes I can!’) Problem is, then I come home and because I know that it’s safe to let all my feelings out, sometimes it’s like I’m new at this feeling thing all over again. The potential for verbal vomit. Which then leads to me thinking ‘Maybe I should just shove it down…’.

I’ve caught myself doing that more than once. ‘Oh, this isn’t really anything that needs to be addressed’ ‘This isn’t really any big deal’ ‘Oh, I’m just overreacting’ The problem is, if the same feeling arises another time and it isn’t dealt with again, the potential for those walls to reappear returns.

This happened last night. I came home from a trip and was in a funk. I knew what had caused it and during the discussion about what had occurred, more than one emotion made an appearance. Lots of them actually. A lot of what I had felt during the trip arose. I was frustrated, sad, and having felt like I had been ‘handled’ to name a few. The conversation was difficult because, while I knew what was causing the feelings, verbalizing wasn’t really helping to resolve it. As I was going to sleep, I actually thought ‘Oh, just get over it Marce’. The next morning though, when I was asked if I was feeling any better, the small kernel of truth of what had triggered all of the feelings appeared. And with that realization, everything kind of settled. What happened and how it’s making me feel didn’t go away. And while I am certain it will occur again at some point, at least now I know where it is coming from.

So, the sailing isn’t so smooth anymore and honestly, that’s a really good thing. I don’t spend (read: waste) my time working through all of the ‘what-ifs’ and trying to solve everyone else’s issues in addition to my own. I do my best to recognize and own my part in any given situation, but I will no longer take on feelings that aren’t my own (truthfully, still working on this one too…old habits, you know).

The calm sea and the pristine beach are lovely. However when storms rock the sea, churning up what’s below, some of that ‘debris’ ends up on the beach. Sea glass, shells, driftwood…all having spent time being battered and tumbled and worn, are now exposed and on the shore for all to see. Some see the beach as littered and, truth be told, there is some crap that ends up there too that needs to be thrown away. I think though, that the sea and shore are more interesting and beautiful for what they have endured and for sharing what they have been through.

So, I will keep doing the work. I will allow myself to feel the feelings and not shove them down when the temptation arises. I do apologize to anyone who gets caught up in my storms, but I also thank those same people for standing on the shore alongside me during my storms and in all my debris. I love you all.