I am currently sitting in Terminal 1 at LAX waiting on my flight to St Louis.  In order to avoid morning traffic, John offered to drop me off on his way to work and as a result, I have had quite a bit of time to pass.

I decided to work on the appearance of my blog.

I’m surprised I have any hair left.

Also, since it’s not polite to scream and throw a temper tantrum in a public place when you are over the age of 2, there have been long (really long) pauses filled with people watching.

I have often found it difficult to ask for help, which ends up leading to a lot of fumbling around and hoping that I eventually will stumble on the solution to my problem.  More often than not, I find myself on a virtual hamster wheel trying the same thing over and over and becoming more and more frustrated in the process.

Over the past few years, one thing that I have been working on more than any other is allowing myself to let go.  To let go of anger, resentment, thoughts of how things should be/should have been, thinking that I have the only answer, of always being right.

It is incredibly difficult.  Old habits die hard and I need to remind myself that the road to ‘what if’ is closed.  Also, if I’m being 100% honest, I like being right, of knowing the answer…once again, I need to remind myself that I’m not always.

There was a point in my life that every argument I had ever participated in was stored in my head.  It was like I could go to a file cabinet, pull out the transcript, and pore over it.  All of the feelings that I felt originally were reignited.  In some ways, doing that was exhilarating, but it was incredibly frustrating at the same time.  Nothing was ever solved.

Do you know what happens when the issue never gets solved?  Those old feelings are like a wound.  It never heals and it simply simmers, getting worse and worse.  An explosion is inevitable, regardless of how deeply you file it.

On the surface, the choice is simple.  Hold on to the resentment or let it go.

Easier said than done.

There are times that I feel as though there is an battle going on inside of me.  My head knows that I should let it go, forgive what I perceive as hurts and wrongs, just as I want to be forgiven.  But my heart is afraid…afraid of being vulnerable and getting  hurt.  When those two start to battle, frustration sets in.

Here’s the thing.  I know that once the issue is truly solved, both sides having been heard, the issue disappears and is gone.  Truly, honestly gone.  It feels freaking amazing.

For that to happen though, I need to ask for help.  Sometimes from others, but mostly from myself.  I need to have that conversation with myself…’What is it that I’m afraid of?’  ‘What does holding onto the anger/resentment solve?’ ‘What’s my win?’

I am trying.  Once I asked for help this morning with my blog, I found the answer and made the changes that I was wanting.  Letting go is a little different and I am working on it.  It’s scary, but I also know that once I do the frustration will be gone…and for that I will be oh, so grateful.