Everybody has a past.  Everybody has baggage.

My parents divorced when I was 8 and my sister was 5.  Mom couldn’t forgive Dad for the end of their marriage and my sister and I were made to feel as though there was something wrong for loving him…as though it was a betrayal to her.  I actually did not have my dad at my first wedding because of it (probably the second biggest regret of my life).

When my sister graduated college a number of years ago, she called and said, ‘You are coming because I’m inviting EVERYBODY and I’m not dealing with Mom and Dad alone!’.  Years of Mom being bitter and angry at Dad, anxiety on both mine and my sister’s parts anytime that there was the possibility of them being in the vicinity of each other…it was horrible.  We have no idea what happened (in truth, I think Mom finally got over herself), but in Deep South Texas in December 2000…our parents suddenly got along (talk about weird).  They began exchanging Christmas cards, calling each other and chatting for hours, honestly and sincerely asking after the other…Dad deeply mourning Mom when she passed.

John and I are engaged to be married.  We both have children, former spouses, former in-laws…our families and friends have relationships with the ‘formers’…and we have made the very conscious decision to do our best to get along with everyone.  I have been told on more than one occasion, by everyone from coworkers to my own children, that it’s weird.

And they may be right, but truth be told, the relationships with our formers weren’t all bad.  So, why in heaven’s name should we hold on to only anger and resentment?  There are five children who love their parents (and two sets of parents who love those kids).  There are old jokes, shared memories, histories…just because we aren’t married to that person anymore doesn’t mean that all of that goes away.  Even in the depths of the horrible lows of that roller coaster…all of that got put aside in an instant because of our shared love for those kids.  If we’re to be an example to our children, I’d much rather be a (hopefully) good example.

So, John and I discuss what to do for our formers on their birthdays and holidays…we share our stories, because his time with his and my time with mine are part of who we are today.

Weird?  Yeah, probably.  But to deny them is to deny part of who we are…and I don’t do that anymore.

(As a really weird aside…as I am finishing this post the song ‘The Way We Were’ came on the radio…and when I listen to it, I can’t help but feel like I’m looking back over a photo album of my life…all of the good, all of the bad…all of it…weird)